March 2009

Leave it Alone

Megan Breedlove March 30, 2009 0Comment

When supper was almost ready, I called the kids to the table. As my husband and I were putting the finishing touches on the meal in the kitchen, I heard Ellie playing with something I had already set out. I don’t remember what it was anymore; I just remember hearing the noise and realizing she shouldn’t be playing with it.

“Ellie, don’t play with that,” I said.

She stopped, and I went back to my supper preparations.

Moments later, I heard the same sound. This time, I knew it wasn’t Ellie playing, because I heard her saying, “Kenny, Mommy said not to play with that.”

That might have been helpful, were it not for her tone of voice, which was rather snooty.

“Kenny, leave it alone!” Ellie commanded in the same superior tone.

I turned to my husband, who was in the kitchen with me, and said, “She doesn’t care if Kenny’s obeying me. She just doesn’t want him to be able to touch it because she wasn’t allowed to mess with it.”

We often feel the same way, don’t we?

Our demand for someone to change his or her actions is motivated not by a desire to see that person experience the spiritual benefits of living in conformity to God’s holy will, but by the idea that “if I can’t do that, I don’t want that person to be able to do it, either.” We are more grieved at the possibility that someone else might be able to enjoy something we are not permitted than at the certainty that the person is not right in his or her relationship with God.

I’ll use myself for an example.

One temptation I deal with on a fairly consistent basis is the temptation to speed when I drive. I know that I shouldn’t because God has commanded me to obey the laws of the government, but sometimes, I really wish that I didn’t have to obey those laws. Despite my desire to make my own determination as to how fast I will go, I watch my speed carefully because I know it is the right thing to do.

When someone speeds past me on the highway doing about ninety-five miles per hour, however, the true desires of my heart are revealed. How? In my annoyance at the speeder.

At those times, I’m not thinking, “That person is breaking God’s law, and I am concerned at the fact that he is damaging his relationship with God by sinning.” No, I’m thinking, “That person is breaking God’s law, and if I have to obey it, he should, too.”

Sounds kind of like the older brother in the story of the prodigal son, doesn’t it?

When the prodigal son returned, the older brother was angry at his father for throwing a party. His reaction, if I may paraphrase it, was, “I’ve spent all these years being a dutiful, obedient son; my brother spent years openly doing what he knew he shouldn’t be doing; and he is the one who gets a party?”

The older brother wasn’t concerned about whether or not the younger brother was obeying God’s law and their father’s wishes. He was infuriated at the thought that the younger brother was “getting away with” something.

Friend, what are your motives for wanting someone to obey?

Is your desire to see them walk in closer relationship to God? Or is it because you believe that if you have to toe the line, they should, too?

The first motivation is the one God wants us to have. It arises out of love for others.

The second motivation is the one Satan tempts us to have. It arises out of love for self.

If I truly love my brother, I will want him to obey for his own benefit.

It I love only myself, I will want my brother to obey for my benefit—so that I don’t have to be the only one enduring the discipline of obedience, or the only one “missing out”.

The next time you find yourself demanding that your brother—or sister—change his or her conduct, stop and ask yourself what your motives are. Better yet, ask God to reveal your motives to you. Are you truly concerned about your brother? Have you even thought about your sister’s welfare? Or do you merely want to make sure that someone else toes the line like you do?

Then, ask yourself what your motives are for obeying God. Do you obey out of a love relationship with Him, or do you obey out of a sterile sense of duty?

May God grant you and me the spiritual insight to know the answer, and the divine grace of an ever-deepening relationship with Him.

Psalm 119:167—I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly.

Deuteronomy 11:1—Love the LORD your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always. [emphasis mine]

Imperfect Angels

Megan Breedlove March 23, 2009 0Comment

Because he goes to work in the afternoon, my husband usually doesn’t get home from work until after the kids and I are in bed. So, as a way of saying goodnight to him, I call him when I’m ready to go to bed.

The other night, I called his office, and the phone was answered by one of his coworkers (I’ll call him Bill). Both he and my husband—and everyone on their unit—deal with difficult children, children who either do have psychiatric problems or are perceived by their parents or other adults in their lives to have them. Bill said that it had been a particularly stressful day at work, with several difficult children, and that in fact, my husband was seeing one of them now.

I replied that my husband has told me that after a hard day at work, he is always glad to come home to our kids, because though our kids aren’t perfect, their misbehavior falls within normal limits for their age.

Thinking of his own daughter, Bill said, “Yeah, I have a little angel, compared to some of these kids.”

Once again, my perspective got a needed adjustment.

After a stressful day with my kids, it’s easy for me to focus on their misbehavior. I’m much more likely to think about all the things they did wrong that day than all the things they did right. My tendency is to adopt a nobly beleaguered attitude and to become irritable.

Can you identify with me? When you have one of “those” days, do you find yourself getting annoyed and wishing somebody really appreciated all you had to put up with?

Maybe we both need a perspective adjustment.

You see, a large part of the attitudes you and I have toward our children is simply a matter of the perspective we choose to take.

We can choose to take the “poor me, look what I have to put up with” perspective, and some days, we do just that. Granted, some days are terrible. There are certainly days where it seems that nothing goes right, where there’s conflict at every turn, and when the most common word from your mouth is “stop”. But even on the terrible days, our perspective is a matter of choice. Choosing the “poor me” perspective might get us some sympathy, but it sure won’t make the day better.

On the other hand, we could choose to take a radically different perspective. It’s the “it was a crummy day, but parenting these children is still a privilege” perspective. You see, even when your children are at their worst, it’s still a privilege to be their mom. Remembering that they are God’s gift to you will give you a far different perspective on their misbehavior than will feeling put-upon for having to “put up with” their behavior.

Consider also that there are children who are far more severe problems than yours. What Bill said is true for most of us. The behavior of our kids is nowhere near as severe as the behavior some parents have to deal with from their children.

I’m not saying that your children’s behavior should never annoy you just because some children are more difficult. I am saying that maybe their behavior isn’t as bad as you—as I—think it is.

This is awful, we find ourselves thinking. But is it?

You see, most of our children’s behavior isn’t any worse than our own.

My children sometimes complain and argue. So do I.

They sometimes fail to do what they are supposed to do. So do I.

More frequently than I would like, they display selfish, “me-first” attitudes. So do I.

I’m glad that God doesn’t find dealing with my misbehavior to be as much of a burden and an annoyance as I sometimes find managing my children’s behavior to be.

When I sin, God doesn’t roll His eyes and sigh, “Here we go again.” He doesn’t suddenly yell at me because He’s had it up to here with my attitude, young lady. And what a relief that He doesn’t get disgusted with me because if He’s “told me once, He’s told me a thousand times.”

No, God doesn’t dwell on our sins to the extent that He fails to see the good things we do. His attitude toward us is always positive, though he hates our sin. He parents us with infinite patience despite our repeated failures and infinite love despite the crummy attitudes we sometimes have toward Him.

You and I don’t have that kind of infinite patience. But we do have Him, and He has promised to help us when we need it.

So the next time you and the kids are having a bad day, stop for a moment. Just stop. Get off by yourself if you need to, even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom and ignoring the voices right outside the door. Remind yourself that it is a joy to have these children, even if it’s not a joy to have their behavior. If you really can’t feel joyful about it at the moment, ask God to help you have His joy in them. Ask Him to help you delight in them despite their behavior the same way He delights in you despite yours.

And thank Him that no matter what you do, He always loves you with his everlasting love and blesses you with His infinite patience.

Jeremiah 31:3– The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

It’s Pretty

Megan Breedlove March 16, 2009 0Comment

My daughter Lindsey has a compassionate heart. When she sees someone hurting or in need, she is quick to respond by doing something to try to make them feel better. Sometimes, she’ll bring them a toy she knows they like; other times, she’ll pat them, look very concerned, and say, “Poor Mommy,” or whoever the person is.

A couple weeks ago, my four kids and I were getting ready to go somewhere, and Kenny couldn’t find his jacket. “Where’s my Cars jacket?” he asked, obviously beginning to get upset.

“It’s at the Y,” Lindsey answered, remembering that we had left it there last time we visited.

“Now I’ll never have a jacket,” Kenny wailed.

I gave Kenny a hug and tried to help him calm down. Then, I realized Lindsey was entering the room holding one of her jackets.

“Here, Kenny,” she said, holding it out to him.

Kenny was not gracious in his response. “No!” he insisted, not wanting any jacket but his own.

“Aww, Kenny, she’s offering you her jacket,” I prompted, hoping for a kinder response.

“No!”

“Here, Kenny,” Lindsey repeated, holding out her size 3T jacket. (Kenny takes a 5T, or, at the very least, a 4T.)

“No!”

“It’s pretty!” Lindsey pleaded, holding the jacket out to him and sounding as if she were close to tears.

My heart broke for her at Kenny’s ingratitude, and I did my best to make it up to her. “Thank you so much for offering him your jacket,” I said kindly and gently. “That was really sweet. I guess Kenny is just going to go without a jacket right now. But thank you, darling.”

That seemed to work, enough for us to get going and for Lindsey to forget about the incident, at least as far as I could tell. But the rest of that day, and many times since, I have remembered the look on her face as she pleaded with him to accept her offering, and the anguish I felt on her behalf when her offering was refused.

You see, Lindsey wasn’t just offering Kenny her jacket.

She was offering him her heart.

Lindsey was showing her love and concern in the best way she knew how, only to have it rejected. Oh, Kenny, I thought, please see the magnitude of what your sister is offering you. Please take it.

But he didn’t. And it hurt her.

In a way, it’s the same with us and God. You and I have nothing to offer God that He really needs. He doesn’t need our jacket. He is completely sufficient in and of Himself. Everything we have came from Him, and is His, anyway.

But in a way, it’s very different. You see, God never rejects our offerings when they come from a heart of love.

Aren’t you deeply, profoundly desperately glad that when you bring something to Him, He doesn’t reject it because it’s not what He wants or needs? Even more, aren’t you glad that He sees the thoughts and intentions of our heart, and accepts those that come from love?

Our offerings may consist of nuking a jar of strained peas in the microwave, or reading the same bedtime story for the thousandth time, or ferrying yet another child to yet another activity. But if those actions are presented to God in love, He will accept them as a beautiful offering.

Thank your Father that He accepts you and your simple, childlike offerings. Thank Him that when you come to Him, He is ready to receive you.

More wonderful than that, He welcomes you. His heart of love responds to your heart of love, and He gathers you up in His arms.

“Thank you,” He whispers. “Thank you for the jacket.”

Psalm 51:17—The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

It’s All About Me

Megan Breedlove March 2, 2009 0Comment

Children are born focused entirely on themselves and their needs, and they remain this way for quite awhile.

If you don’t believe me, consider this: when was the last time a two-month-old thought to herself, “You know, I bet Mom could really use some sleep. I’ve gotten her up three times a night for the past two months, so I’ll bet she’s really tired by now. Tonight, I’m not going to bother her when I wake up. I’ll just go back to sleep.” (Sure, some two-month-olds sleep through the night, but it’s not because they feel sorry for Mom.)

Or try taking a fork away from an older infant who has it clutched tightly in his fist. Chances are, he’s not going to think to himself, Hey, I could have poked my eye out with that. Good thing Mom took it away. Thanks, Mom! No, he’ll cry.

You see? You don’t have to teach your children to be selfish. It comes naturally.

Generally, selfishness in an infant isn’t a problem. It’s normal and natural. I’m quite certain that even Jesus cried as an infant when He was hungry and needed to be fed.

The problem comes when we don’t grow out of our selfishness.

Little babies are born believing that life is all about them, and for quite awhile, they see very little evidence to make them change their view. After all, someone else meets all their needs. All they have to do is express a need, and someone makes sure to meet it. Seems like a good indication that you’re the center of the universe, right?

The only problem is…it’s not true. You’re not the center of the universe.

If a selfish infant persists too long in thinking the world exists to meet her needs, she becomes a selfish child…then a selfish teenager…and, finally, a selfish adult.

We spend a lot of time and effort in our parenting to teach our children how to think of others. We teach them to share. We teach them to honor others. We even teach them that JOY stands for Jesus, Others, You. We teach love and compassion and outreach.

What is hardly objectionable in an infant—the belief that “it’s all about me”—becomes quite objectionable in an adult.

And as adults, who are supposed to know much better by now, we’re often guilty of being selfish ourselves.

Sometimes, we never lose that “me first” focus, or even a “me only” focus. Oh, we learn to cover it up better. We learn to ask polite questions of others instead of to talk exclusively about ourselves. We get accustomed to doing lots of little things designed to hide the fact that we’d rather the other person focus on us, instead of us focusing on them.

But are our hearts really in it? Do we do these things because we truly value others, or because we’ve learned how to be socially acceptable?

I’m afraid that, all too often, it’s the latter.

It’s bad enough when we treat others, even subconsciously, as if they are the means to make us feel good, or the means to fill us up, rather than unique, precious creations in God’s sight.

It’s worse when we act as if God is there merely to serve us, rather than the other way around.

We’ve all been guilty of it. We’ve all, on occasion, sought God for what He could do for us instead of for Himself. We’ve been guilty of going blithely on our merry way when things are fine, but then, when we need something, running to God…until He fixes things, at which point He fades to the back of our thoughts again.

Dear Mommy friend, do the same traits you are trying valiantly to train out of your children show themselves in your attitude toward others? Toward God?

We are all selfish at times. It’s part of being human. But that doesn’t make it excusable or acceptable.

Of all people Who ever walked this earth, Jesus would have had the right to focus on Himself and demand that others focus all their attention on Him, too. But He didn’t. Everything He did on this earth was designed to fulfill His mission and thereby bring glory to His Father. God the Father was the center of Jesus’ universe, not He Himself.

Friend, is God the center of your universe? Or are you?

Ask God to reveal the answer to you. You may be more selfish than you think.

I pray that you’re not. I pray that you are far less selfish than I am at times. But I suspect that even as mommies, who give and give and give, all day long, we all fail in this area at times. We all think of ourselves first, when we should be thinking of others, or of Another.

Lay your heart before God. Ask Him to show you whether there is any selfishness in it, and if so, where it lies. Tell Him you want Him to be the center of your world and of all your attention.

That’s what He wants, too.

Revelation 4:11—You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.

John 15:5—I am the vine; you are the branches…apart from me, you can do nothing.

March 2009

Leave it Alone

Imperfect Angels

It’s Pretty

It’s All About Me

You Missed

Priorities

I Wouldn’t Do That

Little Things

8 Seconds