It’s Not Your Fault
Megan Breedlove 
Two days ago, my daughters Jessica and Lindsey became the proud owners of one crested gecko each. “Gecky” and “Easy Cheese” now reside in large plastic containers, with a paper towel in the bottom, plenty of food, and some fake leaves/branches to climb on and hide in. My girls have done their research, and they know how to take care of their geckos. The thing they most like doing with their new pets, of course, is playing with them.
Both girls are very gentle with Gecky and Easy Cheese (so named because of the squiggly markings on her back), and they love those lizards a lot. That’s why it was absolutely devastating to Jessica when she realized that Easy Cheese had dropped her tail.
In case you aren’t very familiar with geckos (as I wasn’t, until recently), I’ll tell you that when a gecko drops its tail, it’s generally because the gecko feels stressed or threatened. Apparently, poor Easy Cheese was having difficulty adjusting to her new environment, despite Jessica’s tender, loving care and gentle play. And poor Jessica was sobbing, convinced that it was her fault Easy Cheese dropped her tail.
“I must have done something wrong,” she sobbed.
“No, sweetheart,” I explained. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” I reminded Jessica that she had been gentle and loving toward Easy Cheese. Yes, Easy Cheese got stressed out. But that didn’t mean it was Jessica’s fault.
“It’s like this,” I said. “You’re shy and sometimes nervous in new situations, right?” Jessica nodded. “Are you that way because I’ve done something wrong?” I asked.
Jessica looked confused. “No,” she said.
“Sweetie, Easy Cheese is just a nervous, shy little gecko. She has trouble adjusting to new situations, like you do sometimes. But that’s not your fault, anymore than it’s my fault that you’re shy. Does that make sense?”
Fortunately, it did. I went over this idea with her a few more times in some different ways, reassuring her that she hadn’t done anything wrong.
Don’t we as moms need someone to do that for us sometimes? To reassure us that whatever’s going on with our children isn’t the result of something we did wrong, or of bad or insufficient parenting?
Granted, sometimes we do mess up. We’re all well aware of that. But much of the time, our children’s difficulties or misbehaviors are not our fault. After all, our children make immature choices because they’re kids. They sin because they’re human. Why do we take the blame upon ourselves?
If I only knew the right discipline technique, I could make them stop this behavior. If I had only taught them better, they wouldn’t have made that choice.
Really, moms? Do we really imagine we can be so perfect that we can insure our children never make bad choices and never sin?
Again, yes, we are important influences on our children. And if we’ve sinned, or God has convicted us that we’re falling short in some area, then by all means, we should repent or make it right.
That doesn’t mean that every time we face an ongoing discipline issue, or every time our child struggles with peer relationships or self-esteem issues, that we should assume it’s our fault.
Are you struggling with something with your child right now? Have you been blaming yourself? If so, I encourage you to take it all to God. Ask Him whether there’s anything you need to do differently.
Just don’t buy into the idea that you can do things so differently that you can guarantee perfect results. Your children have free will, too. They’re imperfect, too.
There’s only been one perfect Parent, ever. And even His kids—us—are less than perfect.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming you can accomplish with your children what He hasn’t accomplished with His.
Ezekiel 18:20—The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him. (NIV)
Let me just say right now that I’m not Martha Stewart. I can’t fold a napkin into the shape of anything (well, except a rotisserie chicken, but that’s another story), I don’t know how to arrange flowers, and my idea of a gourmet meal is when I not only prepare macaroni and cheese for my kids, but I also fix a vegetable to go with it.
I love to laugh. There’s something spirit-cleansing about a good, unbridled belly laugh. And when you laugh so hard that tears roll down your cheeks—what a blessing to the soul!
This past Valentine’s Day, the kids and I attended a party sponsored by our homeschool co-op. One of the party activities involved a contest to see which child had decorated his or her Valentines box the best. Ellie, Kenny, and Jessica brought the boxes they had designed the night before and placed them in the appropriate age groups for judging.