Most of us are generally confident that we’re good mothers. We know we’re not perfect, but we believe we’re doing a good job. We feel secure in our role and in the way we mother.
Sometimes, however, Mommy Guilt pushes security out of the way and takes over.
Mommy Guilt is that guilt we feel over not being the “perfect” mom—or over the possibility that we might have done something wrong or failed to do something right.
We want so badly to do this job well because the results matter so much. It’s easy for us to become consumed with wondering if we’ve done enough, and suspecting we haven’t. Mommy Guilt hurts, because not much feels worse than to think you have failed your child.
Granted, there are times we do wrong. If our wrongdoing involves sin, the Holy Spirit will not allow us to be at peace until we have repented. If we have made a mistake, we must correct it so it doesn’t happen again.
Mommy Guilt doesn’t result from actual wrongdoing. It arises from feared or imagined wrongdoing. It leaves us with a vague sense of being insufficient or not doing enough. It is viciously destructive. There are four reasons why.
First, Mommy Guilt doesn’t come from God. When the Holy Spirit prompts us to feel guilty, He always tells us what our sin has been. This appropriate guilt is not vague at all. It’s very specific. God’s goal for our lives is for us to be conformed to the image of His Son. He will not convict us without telling us what we are doing wrong and what we must do to begin doing right.
Second, Mommy Guilt is so damaging is that it causes us to do a worse job of parenting. When we feel guilty for being insufficient, we are focusing on ourselves and not our children. We may even make wrong decisions in an attempt to “make up for” the things we have done that we feel were insufficient.
Third, Mommy Guilt paralyzes us. It doesn’t free us to do a better job. Instead, it leaves us doubting ourselves and our abilities. We become afraid to move forward because we fear we’ll just make the problem worse.
Fourth, Mommy Guilt doesn’t even give us an accurate basis for feeling guilty. We wind up feeling guilty because we aren’t perfect or all-sufficient, when in reality, the only perfect, all-sufficient Person is God. Friend, you and I are not God, and praise Him that we don’t have to be.
So what can we do when Mommy Guilt tries to sink its hooks into us?
We can pray. We should ask God whether we really have done something wrong and if there is anything He wants us to correct. If the Holy Spirit doesn’t bring anything to mind, we should determine not to feel guilty. We may not be able to stop the devil from continually bringing up thoughts of our guilt, but we can certainly control whether or not we dwell on those and let them affect our lives. We can choose not to feel guilty unless God says that we are.
Next, we change our standards, from an unreachable standard of perfection to the standards God has for us. God’s standards are that we love Him first, and second love our child as ourselves. He does expect us to love Himself and our children with everything we’re capable of. But He also knows how He made us. He knows the challenges we face, and He doesn’t expect us to have every ability known to man (or woman) and exercise them all at the same time.
Finally, we move on. God knew our abilities and limitations, and He still blessed us with our children. He chose them for us. He wanted our children to have US—not some Super Mommy that doesn’t even exist. It doesn’t matter if another mommy drives a newer minivan or makes better birthday cakes. It’s okay. God chose you. You are what your children need.
May God bless us all with an extra sense of His acceptance this week. May we feel Him put His arms around us, as we do around our dear children, and tell us that He’s glad we’re their mommy.
2 Corinthians 2:18—And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.