How to Be Patient

Any Other Mommy

Megan Breedlove September 10, 2012 0Comment

Yesterday was one of those mornings. Nothing “big” had happened, but every little thing seemed to be getting on my nerves. I was crabby. And to make matters worse, it was Sunday, so we were getting ready for church.

So when poor Lindsey came up to me and said hesitantly, “I hope this won’t make you mad, but…would you…would you braid my hair?” I didn’t really want to. I sighed and said ungraciously, “Fine. Come here.”

Lindsey handed me the two elastics she’d picked out—lavender, to match her dress—and a brush. I divided her hair into two sections and began to French braid it. And all the while, I was thinking, Nobody cares that Mama hasn’t gotten to eat breakfast yet. Everybody else’s needs come first.

Though I remained silent as I worked, my attitude was getting worse and worse, until….

“Thank you for braiding my hair,” Lindsey said humbly. “You’re the best mommy in the world.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, graciously this time, because I knew I’d been wrong. I also knew that more conviction was coming, and I was right.

“I bet no other mommy would have done it,” Lindsey said gratefully and meekly—and trying to encourage me, of all things. “I bet any other mommy would have said, ‘No. There’s no time’.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” I said, and this time I meant it. And I wanted to cry.

The sweetness of Lindsey’s spirit yesterday morning—her sweet, giving, generous nature—stood in sharp contrast to the smallness of mine. And I realized not only that I had been very wrong, but that I’m sure glad God has a far better attitude about giving to me than I did about giving to my daughter.

God absolutely loves to give to me and to you, His beloved children. He delights in our asking Him for anything we need, from little things like having our hair braided all the way up to big things like…well, maybe that was the big thing. At least it was to Lindsey. And instead of looking at her request as an opportunity to show how much I love her by cheerfully serving her, I only saw it selfishly, as if my getting to eat breakfast when I wanted to was more important than ministering to her spirit and helping her fulfill her desire to look nice for a special event at church.

God, on the other hand, never reacts selfishly when I bring my requests to Him. He never says, “Oh, for goodness’ sake, I’m busy listening to the angels worship Me. Come back later.” He never fulfills my request, all the while making it clear that He doesn’t really want to. Instead, He gives freely, generously, and willingly, and He takes pleasure in doing so.

Precious mom, our kids and their requests are not an inconvenience to us. Our children are precious gifts from God, and their requests are God-sponsored opportunities to flood our children’s hearts with love and the sense that they are worth Mommy’s time. We don’t have to be those “any other” mommies Lindsey spoke of. We can be the mommy of our child’s dreams.

Responding to our child isn’t an interruption of something more important; it is the more important thing. But do we act like it? I’m ashamed that my answer is “no, not always”. But I’m working on my attitude, especially after yesterday.

If you need to join me in working on yours too, I recommend that you listen to Scotty McCreery’s song “Dirty Dishes.” For that matter, this song is worth your time even if you are strong in this area. It’s not an overtly Christian song, but I promise you that there’s nothing offensive in it. The mom in this song has the attitude I want to have. She is grateful for…well, I’ll let you hear it for yourself:

Grateful for opportunities to serve instead of being selfish. That’s where I want to be. I know you do too.

Philippians 2:3—Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Interrupted

Megan Breedlove March 26, 2012 0Comment

I don’t know how he knows, but my one-month-old son has an unerring instinct for when I am about to eat a meal. Just as I finish setting the table, getting the food on it, and pulling out my chair to sit down, I hear his little voice: “Waaaahhhh!”

Doesn’t matter that he was sleeping soundly. He wakes instantly from that deep sleep I could only wish he’d sleep at night, just in time to put a kink in my mealtime plans.

Interrupted.

I’ve said it to others many times: Jesus knows how you feel. He’s experienced the specifics of many things we experience (except those having to do with personal sin) and the principles behind everything. So I asked myself, Was Jesus ever interrupted?

The answer came before I even finished asking myself the question: of course He was. He got interrupted all the time. There was the time He went to a solitary place to pray and the disciples interrupted Him because everybody was looking for Him. And of course, there were all the times He was trying to teach and got interrupted by people who wanted to start an argument. Then there was His prayer time in the Garden when the interruption came from people ready to crucify Him.

But the event in Jesus’ life I want us to look at today came during a happy time. Festive, even. It happened at a wedding.

Jesus and His disciples had been invited to a wedding in a place called Cana. The fact that Jesus’ disciples were invited also indicates that He was recognized as a rabbi/teacher and was an honored guest. He and the disciples accepted the invitation and traveled there, probably expecting to have a good time mixing and mingling and sharing in the bridal couple’s happiness. But…He got interrupted.

You see, the wine ran out, a fact which, if it became known, would humiliate the bride and groom. Jesus’ mother, knowing this, laid the problem before Jesus: “They have no more wine.” Jesus responded, “What does that have to do with me? It’s not time for Me to take on this kind of role.” Mary, of course, wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Do whatever He tells you,” she said to the servants.

Had He been just an ordinary human being, Jesus could very well have said something like this: “Weren’t you listening? I’ve told you it’s not time for this. Don’t ask again.” (Sound like any response you’ve ever given your kids?) But He didn’t. Instead, He performed a miracle, changing water into wine.

Interrupted. Yet when His Father (through the person of Mary) made known to Jesus that He needed to act, Jesus temporarily stepped aside from the festivities and did what God was calling Him to do. He allowed Himself to be interrupted. And He did it with a good attitude—not with a resentful or irritated spirit.

What about you and me? When we get interrupted by our children, how do we respond? What’s our attitude like?

Granted, there are times we need to teach our children not to interrupt—when someone else is speaking, for example. But there are many times (some days, it seems like millions of times) when they interrupt us with a legitimate need, something we really do need to act upon.

When those times come, we need to take our cue from Jesus and respond the way He did when He was interrupted. Doing so involves three things.

First, we need to be willing to be interrupted when there is a legitimate need and God wants us to act. If we hold onto the idea that our children should never inconvenience us, we’re going to get irritated a lot. And in fact, children are not an inconvenience, if our goal is to serve others rather than to be served.

Second, when we do the right thing, we need to do it with a positive, loving attitude. I admit I’m sometimes guilty of responding to my child’s need but doing so in a way that makes it clear that he or she bothered Mommy by asking. Perhaps you do this too. But instead of showing my children that Mommy is more important than they are, my goal is to show them that I care about their needs because they are important people. The first way of responding makes them feel insignificant; the second makes them feel loved.

Third, we need to serve them well. When we meet a need in a sloppy or mediocre manner, we communicate to our children that their needs don’t matter. When we are about to meet their need, let’s do it abundantly, like Jesus did. After all, He didn’t just make wine, He made wine, delicious and remarkable wine. Next time you make a PBJ, don’t just make a sandwich, make a sandwich. There are plenty of creative ways to do that.

Interruptions will come in life and perhaps especially in motherhood. It’s your choice as to how you respond to them. Your words, actions, and expressions can communicate encouragement and love to your children and at the same time fill you with peace, or they can do the opposite. It’s up to you. You can’t always control when the interruptions come, but you can control how you respond to them.

John 2:7-8—Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” (See John 2:1-12 for the whole story.)

Imitating Jesus

Megan Breedlove February 13, 2012 0Comment

Last week, we talked about the need to imitate Jesus in order to provide the best example for our children. I promised that this week, I would share some meaningful ways we can do that, and I will. But first, I want to remind us all (including me) of something very important as we begin to study the topic of imitating Jesus: we can’t succeed in our own strength.

Most of us, upon realizing that we need to represent Jesus to our children, will have one of two reactions. Either we’ll see success as so impossible that we won’t even bother to try, or we’ll have the opposite reaction and determine just to try harder. Neither one of these perspectives is fully correct. The first group is right that we can’t do this on our own, but that doesn’t excuse us from putting forth our best effort. The second group is right that we do indeed need to put forth our best effort, but even that won’t be enough.

So we can’t succeed on our own, and our best efforts won’t be good enough. Now what?

Now, we rely on God for the strength, wisdom, and endurance to do what He’s called us to do. In our own strength, success is impossible. In God’s strength, success is inevitable.

So as you read about these areas where your example can make an incredible difference to your children, remember that God’s power is available to make it happen, and it’s the only way to make it happen. You have to ask Him for His help—preferably on a regular basis—but you can be sure of getting it.

The first way we can imitate Christ in a way that will really matter to our children is by loving as Jesus loved. Jesus loved children, and they knew it. They were drawn to Him. They wanted to hang out with Him. Why? Because they knew He cared about them. Do your children know you care? How do they know? What would they say if you asked them whether they know Mommy loves them deeply?

We must show love to our children, or not much else that we say or do will matter. We need to make sure we demonstrate our love in a way our children can receive. Some children love to hear the words “I love you”, and those words make them feel especially loved. (All children need to hear these words, but for some, spoken words have a special meaning.) Some children love to receive little gifts. Some want to spend time with you or cuddle with you. Some feel loved when you do things for them. (See Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages of Children for more information on this topic.) It’s best if you can show love to your child in all these ways at times. But it’s especially vital to your little one’s heart that you communicate love in his or her “love language”. Don’t assume that it must be obvious to your children that you love them. Let it become obvious because they keep seeing your love expressed over and over in a way they can understand.

Second, we can treat our children’s spirits tenderly even when we are angry at them. Little children aren’t made to withstand adult blasts of anger on a regular basis. True, kids are resilient, but after awhile, corrosive anger begins to eat at their spirit. If your children are terrified of you lest you get angry, never knowing when the other shoe is going to drop, this will create scars on your love relationship with them.

That’s not to say that occasional slip-ups will harm them for life. When you are too harsh with your anger now and then, a heartfelt apology will usually suffice to restore your relationship. But when harshness (whether by verbal aggression or the more passive sighs and silent treatment) is the rule rather than the exception, you’ll wound their little spirit. Ask Jesus to help you treat your children when you’re mad like you would want your parents to treat you when they’re angry (or like you wish they would have treated you). Your kids need to know that even when Mommy’s angry, she still loves them.

Third, be patient. When your children make mistakes; when they demonstrate childish inability or lack of skill; when they are needy on the same day you’re exhausted, be patient anyway. After all, God doesn’t immediately zap you the moment you make a mistake. He patiently leads you until you understand how to succeed. He cheers you on as you make progress. He builds you up and helps you to feel confident and capable.

What a blessing it would be to your children if you would do the same for them. Think about it: a child who grows up in this kind of environment will grow up to be confident and to believe he or she is capable of mastering life. That’s what I want for my children, and I know you want the same thing. So be patient with them. Your kids need to know it’s okay to be imperfect and that Mommy loves them anyway, whether or not they’re performing properly.

Fourth, be willing to serve. Even Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. Why should we expect any less for ourselves? Yet too often we resent the effort it takes to parent well. Our kids’ neediness annoys us. We want more free time for ourselves. We can’t wait for the kids to become more independent so we don’t have to do so much for them.

Our kids know it when we have that attitude. They’re well aware when Mommy is grumpy or crabby about having to serve them. What does that communicate to them? That they’re a bother. That they’re less important than we are. Maybe even that we don’t love them. But I guarantee you that we cause far more trouble for our Father than our kids cause for us. Yet He doesn’t grumble and complain when we need something from Him. In fact, He invites us to come boldly to Him and ask Him for what we need. What difference might it make if we were actually glad to serve our children? Well, they’d feel loved, for one thing. For another, they’d learn how to serve others with a good attitude. And perhaps most important, they’d realize what kind of attitude God has toward helping them, and they’d feel more free to come to Him.

That’s what parenting is ultimately all about, isn’t it? Teaching our children about God and representing Him in such a way that our children will want to come to Him. Think about it: if God is like you portray Him to be by your actions, will your children want to draw near to Him?

If you’re like me, sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it’s no. I wish it were yes all the time. But I can’t succeed on my own. I need to pray regularly and frequently for God to help me be the kind of example He wants me to be. So do you. Because our children not only learn to act like we act, but they also learn that God is an awful lot like what we are. Let’s portray an accurate picture of Him so that our kids will know who He is. If we do that, they’ll want to be around Him. And they’ll never want to leave that kind of love. That’s where we want them to be—resting securely in His arms. Forever.

1 Chronicles 16:11—Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

John 13:15—“For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.”

Stop Provoking

Megan Breedlove August 8, 2011 0Comment

Okay, I admit it: my kids…sometimes…provoke each other. Generally speaking, they get along well, but there are those times when they pester their siblings, either accidentally or on purpose. When it’s an accident, all it requires from me is that I point out to the offender how the other person doesn’t appreciate what the offender is doing. It’s relatively easy to deal with. But when it’s on purpose? Well, that can be a little more tricky to deal with (as in, to help defuse the situation before the offended party strikes back).

Yes, children should refrain from shouting at or pushing their siblings. But it’s a lot harder for them to do the right thing when they’ve been provoked.

It makes sense. After all, it’s hard for me to do the right thing when I’ve been provoked, and I’m an adult. No wonder it’s hard for children.

That’s why God gave parents a very important and specific command: “[Parents], do not provoke your children to anger.” He knows it’s a lot harder for anyone, much less a little child, to obey when someone provokes them. He wants us to do everything we can to help our kids obey, not to make it harder on them.

What are some of the ways we make it harder on our kids to do the right thing? One way is by not making it clear what the “right thing” is. Kids don’t have a lot of life experience, and that means they don’t understand everything they’re supposed to do. When we fail to explain to them how they can learn to be the right kind of person at this particular stage in their lives, we set them up for doing the wrong thing.

Another way we provoke our children is by requiring that they succeed at something that is beyond their developmental level. Telling a two-year-old to clean her room and then getting mad when she doesn’t do a very good job is not only silly, but also hurtful and frustrating to our child. When we consistently frustrate our children in their efforts at obedience, we make it much harder for them to obey with a willing spirit.

Perhaps the most hurtful way we provoke our children is by wounding their little spirits. Harsh or even cruel treatment, unfairness, unkind words, insults, demanding “What’s wrong with you??”—all of these things wound our child’s soul. It’s hard to honor someone who consistently wounds you, and when our attitudes, words, and actions provoke our child to anger, we make it difficult, if not almost impossible, for our child to fulfill his or her second-greatest responsibility (honoring God is the first).

God knows that our children need our help in order to obey. He knows we need to be by turns gentle and firm, but always loving. So He commanded us to avoid being the kind of parent who will make it difficult for a child. Instead, we should be the kind of mom who makes it easy on her kids. Not by letting our children do whatever they want, but by being the kind of parent God is.

You see, God makes it as easy as possible for us to obey. He tells us clearly what is expected of us. He never expects more than He knows we are capable of doing. And He is never harsh and unloving with us. Instead, He pours out His love upon us every second of every day, even if we don’t always see it. Who could be easier to obey than a God like that?

Think about it, mom. Do you make it easy for your children to obey you? Do you make your expectations clear and developmentally appropriate? Do you then treat them with love, even when they mess up? Do you pour your love out upon them each and every day? Precious mom, no earthly person is easier to obey than a mom like that.

Yes, our children will still disobey sometimes, no matter how well we may parent. They’re sinners, just like we are. But we can make obedience a whole lot more likely—and much more pleasant for them to engage in—if we don’t provoke them, but instead show them guidance and treat them with understanding and love.

Ephesians 6:4 (CJB)—Fathers, don’t irritate your children and make them resentful; instead, raise them with the Lord’s kind of discipline and guidance.

Cheeri-Uh-Oh’s

Megan Breedlove May 23, 2011 0Comment

This morning, as I sat at the table eating my breakfast, I heard a familiar sound from the kitchen behind me.

“Uh-oh!”

Lindsey’s voice was accompanied by a brief whooshing sound. I turned to see her holding the box that used to contain Cheerios upside down. The aforementioned Cheerios were scattered all over the floor. Yep, the entire box.

Lindsey looked at me, her eyes open wide, her mouth a round “o”. I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

Relieved, Lindsey began laughing too. I ran for my camera to take a picture. “Wait! Don’t clean those up yet!” I called as I picked my way through the floor, trying not to mash any of the Cheerios.

I got my camera and captured the event for posterity. Then I said, “You know what? I have a great idea.”

“What?” Lindsey asked. She and Kenny, who was in the kitchen too, looked up at me.

“Let’s play with them,” I said.

They looked at me as if they weren’t certain whether to believe what they’d just heard. “What would we play?” they asked.

“Let’s get some little cars and make roads in the Cheerios,” I said.

“Yay!” they screeched, and ran off to get some Hot Wheels.

We played “drive the cars through the Cheerios”, as well as “hide the cars under the Cheerios”, and other games involving Littlest Pet Shop toys and making letters (even cursive ones) out of the Cheerios. We had a LOT of fun for about an hour. (You should try it sometime!)

Sure, I could have gotten mad when Lindsey spilled every last Cheerio. After all, they were wasted. Or were they? Those Cheerios weren’t put to their intended use (except for a few that, yes, the kids ate off the floor). But they weren’t wasted. They provided an hour of fun and memories that will last a long time.

And that’s the point. No experience in our lives has to be wasted. It might not have happened as we originally hoped or planned, but it can still mean something—sometimes even something beautiful. God can take absolutely any circumstance in our lives and bring good from it. That’s what Romans 8:28 means—not that everything that happens to us is good, but that God can bring good out of all things.

He’ll probably require our help, though. Not because He’s incapable of doing things on His own, but because He usually doesn’t force His blessings on us. Just as He knew all along that those Cheerios would get spilled and we’d end up playing with them, so He knows regarding each circumstance of our lives what He intends to make of it. But if we’re still mad that the Cheerios won’t get to be eaten anymore, we’ll miss the beauty of the playtime and the memories. In other words, if we refuse to accept that God caused or decided not to prevent our original circumstances from getting messed up, and we decide to stay resentful or mad, we’ll miss what He does intend to make out of it.

Some circumstances are hard, I know. Maybe even very hard. But the fact is, they happened. The Cheerios got spilled. The original plan (eating them) is no longer possible. So now, we have a choice. We can either hold onto our anger that we’ll have to go to Plan B, or we can let our anger go. We can accept the fact that even though we didn’t want a Plan B, even though we don’t like Plan B, we’re stuck with it. And if that’s the case, we might as well make the best we can out of it.

The Cheerios are gone. It’s not possible to eat them anymore. The only thing that’s possible is to choose our attitude—acceptance or resentment at their absence. Which will it be?

Romans 8:28—And we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them that are called according to His purpose.

Dashed Hopes

Megan Breedlove March 29, 2010 0Comment

Imagine that you have a daughter who, from a very early age, shows talent in gymnastics. You enroll her in classes when she turns three, and the coach is amazed at her performance. By the time she’s six, she’s practicing at the gym fourteen hours a week. At twelve, she’s competing at the junior national level.

At fifteen, your daughter makes the Olympic team. A few months later, you travel with her to the Olympics. You’re there for every moment of competition as she earns a spot in the top tier of gymnasts who will go on to compete for medals.

Then, it happens. She hits the springboard, mounts the balance beam…wobbles…and falls. You hear the gasps and murmurs of disappointment from the people sitting around you.

She finishes with a dismal score on beam, and her scores on the other three events aren’t much better. Newscasters and media articles rip her to shreds for not living up to expectations. It’s obvious that they’re not only disappointed in her performance, but angry at her. They pour out their anger upon her, and your mother heart hurts for her.

Mary, the mother of Jesus, would have understood how you feel. She, too, watched her precious firstborn grow up to become the darling of multitudes. Certainly, there were a few people who hated Him, and she herself didn’t always understand what He was doing. But everyone else loved Him and sang His praises.

In fact, as He entered the city of Jerusalem a week before Passover, they were literally singing. Not only that, they were also throwing their garments on the road in front of Him and waving palm branches, shouting His praises.

Yet a week later, they had turned on Him, demanding His blood.

Why?

Most of the Pharisees and other religious leaders never liked Him, so it’s no surprise that they wanted Him dead. But why would a crowd who loved Him a week ago turn on Him and shout, “Crucify! Crucify!”?

One reason was because they were angry. By doing all the miracles He had done, and by putting the oppressive religious leaders to shame with His perfect answers, Jesus had gotten the crowd’s hopes up. Surely this was the Messiah. Who could do more amazing things than Jesus had done? He must be the one!

But then, the people saw Him arrested and beaten, and not fighting back. Wait a minute; what kind of Messiah was this? He must be a false prophet after all. Bitterly disappointed, the crowd became angry and vengeful.

We know what happened next. The sinless Son of God, Jesus Christ, allowed humanity to put Him to death as part of God’s perfect plan for the redemption of our souls. He took the punishment we deserved because of our sins but never could have borne, so that we wouldn’t have to. Why? To bring glory to God the Father by reconciling us to Him, if we will repent of our sins, accept His sacrifice on our behalf, and acknowledge His lordship.

But that’s not what the people were hoping for. They wanted liberation from Rome, not liberation from sin. And Jesus hadn’t met their expectations.

Precious mom, what do you and I do when our children don’t live up to what we expect of them?

Far too often, we sin. We get angry. We yell, or use sarcasm, or worse. We don’t crucify their bodies, but we wound their little spirits.

We get disappointed, and we take it out on them.

Clearly, there are times we have to discipline our children. But do we do it in a redemptive way? Or do we punish them, not for their sin, but for disappointing us?

Other times, we punish them when they haven’t even sinned. Whether Johnny doesn’t have an athletic bone in his body, or Suzie doesn’t want to dress “frilly” like other little girls, we show our disappointment in our words (or lack of words), our tone of voice, or our body language.

I wish I could say that I always discipline rightly, but I can’t. Perhaps you can’t either. Our hearts should grieve over our sin.

Oh, God, help us. Forgive us for wounding our children’s precious souls. Grant us wisdom, that we may know when and how to discipline, and self-control, that we might always discipline for our children’s benefit and with love. Help us rise and begin again to shepherd Your precious sheep with the same lovingkindness with which You shepherd us. May our homes be a place where it’s safe to be imperfect, and where unconditional love is shown all the time.

In Jesus’ name we pray.

Amen.

James 1:5— If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

1 Corinthians 16:14—Do everything in love.

So Bad

Megan Breedlove March 22, 2010 2Comments

Discipline is hard. Wouldn’t you agree?

It may even be the hardest part of rearing children. There are the times when you wonder if what your child did is really an offense, and if it even merits correction. There are other times when the action definitely deserves discipline, but it’s hard to figure out exactly what the consequences should be. Then, there are the occasions when you know exactly what your child deserves, but it breaks your heart to have to enforce it.

Discipline is challenging for other reasons, too. We all know we’re supposed to be consistent, but sometimes it’s really hard to get up off the couch and apply consistency when you’re exhausted from lack of sleep the night before. Or when you’ve tried to be consistent with your discipline, and it looks like you’re not making any progress, and then your child does the same thing you’ve told him not to do a thousand times already—do you apply the same consequence for the thousand-and-first time, hoping it works this time, or do you try something else?

When your child’s behavior is so bad, what do you do?

Two years ago, a friend of mine was struggling with a behavior of her daughter’s that was particularly difficult. My friend had tried everything she could think of. She was praying, she was disciplining consistently, she was seeking advice from others—and still, her daughter kept behaving the same way. My friend was exhausted and discouraged.

There may be times when a situation is so serious that more extreme measures have to be taken to protect the welfare of the family. But this was not one of those times. This was the kind of situation we’ve all found ourselves in, where we’re just plain exhausted. Where we begin to consider whether the battle is really worth it. Where we feel like giving up the fight.

I’m so glad God never gives up the fight where one of His children is concerned.

We’ve all sinned against Him far more often and more seriously than our children have sinned against us, yet God never washes His hands of us.

Yes, He may allow us to experience the consequences of our actions—which may include distance from Him—in order to get our attention and bring us to our senses. But He never walks away from us. He never decides that we’re so much trouble He’s not willing to deal with our problems anymore.

Praise Him that this is the truth! Because of His infinite love, mercy, and faithfulness, He sticks with us until the end, and not from a far distance, either, but still desiring to be intimately involved.

He still keeps trying, even when we continue to frustrate His efforts.

The next time we find ourselves running short on patience with our children, let’s take just a minute to remember that our children aren’t the only ones who frustrate their parents. We’ve frustrated our Parent, too.

Let’s confess our sins to God, and let’s cooperate with His parenting instead of resisting Him.

Then, let’s ask Him to help us show our children the same patience He has shown to us: a loving, redemptive patience that leads us into closer relationship with Him.

In our so doing, may He be glorified.

Joshua 1:5—As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

John 13:35—By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

Unlovely

Megan Breedlove December 21, 2009 0Comment

Four years later, I still vividly remember the moment.

At the time, I had two children: Ellie and Kenny. It was bath night, so I was trying to get them into the tub. The process went smoothly with Ellie. But for some reason, Kenny was fighting me about getting ready for his bath.

He was having a fit as I was wrestling him on the floor to get him undressed and into the tub. He was crying, screaming, and resisting. His little legs were kicking. I was getting more and more frustrated.

And for a second there—and this is the part I remember so vividly—I looked down and saw Kenny lying there on the floor, a chubby boy, eyes squeezed shut, sweat beading his forehead and matting his hair, tears trailing down his cheeks, still resisting my efforts to get him undressed. And I saw him as “just” a big, sweaty boy. For an instant, it was like I saw him apart from the love I have for him, and I saw nothing attractive about him as I looked down at him.

It hurts my mother-heart to realize that even for an instant, I could look at my precious son and see him as completely unattractive. But I think God gave me that glimpse of Kenny as a gift.

It was a poignant illustration of two things. First, I must never look at my son apart from the love I have for him, because the alternative is too awful to contemplate. My love should be the lens through which I see him. I may need to be objective about some of his behaviors so that I can train and discipline him properly, but I should never look at him without love coloring my vision.

After all, God always looks at us with love. He is well aware of our sin, but because of our relationship with His Son, He has chosen to look at us as dearly beloved children, instead of as His enemies. Even when we’re lying on the floor having a fit, and the results of our efforts are dampening our hair and leaving trails down our cheeks, He loves us.

He could have sent us all to hell as we all deserved. But instead, He chose to love us. More than that, He sent His Son to earth as a baby, to grow up to die so that we could be reconciled to God despite all the things we have done and continue to do.

It’s a love that’s not based on anything we do or don’t do. It’s based on a choice God made.

That’s the second thing God showed me through this situation. Our love for others, especially our children, must be based on a choice, not on how we feel at the moment. Love is a choice, and there better be more to my love for Kenny than just loving him because of what he does for me. And, praise God, there was more, because I had chosen long ago truly to love my son.

It’s what we all need to do, for each one of our children. We must make the decision to love unconditionally, no matter what the child does or doesn’t do. Then, we take it a step further by showing them that love, no matter what.

God loves you and me all the time, not just when we look good enough. That, my friends, is the gospel. God loves you despite what you’ve done and made a way for you to be reconciled to Him. That’s what Christmas is all about.

It’s not about the presents, or the tree, or even family gatherings. It’s about God looking down on humanity, who was not worthy of His love, and choosing to love us anyway. It’s about how He made a way for us to come back to Him, despite our sin. It’s about how He loved us, even though we are unworthy of His love, and even before we loved Him.

Praise God that He did.

1 John 4:10—This is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son.

Imperfect Angels

Megan Breedlove March 23, 2009 0Comment

Because he goes to work in the afternoon, my husband usually doesn’t get home from work until after the kids and I are in bed. So, as a way of saying goodnight to him, I call him when I’m ready to go to bed.

The other night, I called his office, and the phone was answered by one of his coworkers (I’ll call him Bill). Both he and my husband—and everyone on their unit—deal with difficult children, children who either do have psychiatric problems or are perceived by their parents or other adults in their lives to have them. Bill said that it had been a particularly stressful day at work, with several difficult children, and that in fact, my husband was seeing one of them now.

I replied that my husband has told me that after a hard day at work, he is always glad to come home to our kids, because though our kids aren’t perfect, their misbehavior falls within normal limits for their age.

Thinking of his own daughter, Bill said, “Yeah, I have a little angel, compared to some of these kids.”

Once again, my perspective got a needed adjustment.

After a stressful day with my kids, it’s easy for me to focus on their misbehavior. I’m much more likely to think about all the things they did wrong that day than all the things they did right. My tendency is to adopt a nobly beleaguered attitude and to become irritable.

Can you identify with me? When you have one of “those” days, do you find yourself getting annoyed and wishing somebody really appreciated all you had to put up with?

Maybe we both need a perspective adjustment.

You see, a large part of the attitudes you and I have toward our children is simply a matter of the perspective we choose to take.

We can choose to take the “poor me, look what I have to put up with” perspective, and some days, we do just that. Granted, some days are terrible. There are certainly days where it seems that nothing goes right, where there’s conflict at every turn, and when the most common word from your mouth is “stop”. But even on the terrible days, our perspective is a matter of choice. Choosing the “poor me” perspective might get us some sympathy, but it sure won’t make the day better.

On the other hand, we could choose to take a radically different perspective. It’s the “it was a crummy day, but parenting these children is still a privilege” perspective. You see, even when your children are at their worst, it’s still a privilege to be their mom. Remembering that they are God’s gift to you will give you a far different perspective on their misbehavior than will feeling put-upon for having to “put up with” their behavior.

Consider also that there are children who are far more severe problems than yours. What Bill said is true for most of us. The behavior of our kids is nowhere near as severe as the behavior some parents have to deal with from their children.

I’m not saying that your children’s behavior should never annoy you just because some children are more difficult. I am saying that maybe their behavior isn’t as bad as you—as I—think it is.

This is awful, we find ourselves thinking. But is it?

You see, most of our children’s behavior isn’t any worse than our own.

My children sometimes complain and argue. So do I.

They sometimes fail to do what they are supposed to do. So do I.

More frequently than I would like, they display selfish, “me-first” attitudes. So do I.

I’m glad that God doesn’t find dealing with my misbehavior to be as much of a burden and an annoyance as I sometimes find managing my children’s behavior to be.

When I sin, God doesn’t roll His eyes and sigh, “Here we go again.” He doesn’t suddenly yell at me because He’s had it up to here with my attitude, young lady. And what a relief that He doesn’t get disgusted with me because if He’s “told me once, He’s told me a thousand times.”

No, God doesn’t dwell on our sins to the extent that He fails to see the good things we do. His attitude toward us is always positive, though he hates our sin. He parents us with infinite patience despite our repeated failures and infinite love despite the crummy attitudes we sometimes have toward Him.

You and I don’t have that kind of infinite patience. But we do have Him, and He has promised to help us when we need it.

So the next time you and the kids are having a bad day, stop for a moment. Just stop. Get off by yourself if you need to, even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom and ignoring the voices right outside the door. Remind yourself that it is a joy to have these children, even if it’s not a joy to have their behavior. If you really can’t feel joyful about it at the moment, ask God to help you have His joy in them. Ask Him to help you delight in them despite their behavior the same way He delights in you despite yours.

And thank Him that no matter what you do, He always loves you with his everlasting love and blesses you with His infinite patience.

Jeremiah 31:3– The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

Love Them Now

Megan Breedlove January 26, 2009 0Comment

I love my kids. I love spending time with them, and I love being a stay-at-home mom.

But sometimes…I find myself wishing.

I wish…he would be more interested in using the potty.

I wish…she would stop deconstructing the house every time I turn around.

I wish…he would stop whining.

I wish…she wouldn’t argue.

I wish…they would let me have an entire phone conversation without interrupting.

I wish…they would eat what I put in front of them—without complaining.

I wish…I wish…I wish…

Do you have wishes, too? Do you, like me, earnestly wish some things about your child or his or her behavior were different? Are you, like me, working very hard in some areas to help bring about the day when the behavior is put aside, or outgrown?

Oh, we think, when she stops doing this, life will be so much easier. Or, if he would just start doing that….

There’s nothing wrong with looking toward the future. In fact, as mothers, we must look toward the future. We need a perspective that says that this too shall pass. We need a perspective that helps us realize what is truly important, and what isn’t. We need an eternal perspective that reminds us of what will be important ten, or twenty, years from now, and what will be forgotten.

But let’s not focus so hard on changing our children’s behavior in the future that we forget to love them in the present.

Yes, our children will probably be a lot easier to deal with once a particular behavior is under control.

But this doesn’t mean our children will be any easier to love in the future.

Easier to get along with? Maybe.

But not easier to love.

You see, if we find it easier to love our children once their behavior changes, it reveals that our love has been performance-based.

Saying we might be able to love our children more at some point in the future, once they begin or cease doing something, is the same thing as saying that our love is based on their performance, not on their intrinsic worth as a marvelous creation of God and our precious child.

What you and I must remember is that love is not simply a feeling of comfort with someone. It is not mere approval. It is not even necessarily warm and fuzzy.

Love is action. It is a choice. It is a choice that can be made in any situation, even right now.

No, I don’t know how your children are behaving. But I do know they deserve your love. Right now. As they are. They need to know that they are loved and accepted, no matter how imperfect they are.

It doesn’t mean you always have to accept their actions, their attitudes, or their words. It means you always accept them.

Aren’t you glad that God didn’t wait until our behavior was perfect before accepting us?

Scripture gives us the incredible truth that God loved us and accepted us completely from the very beginning.

Did he accept our sin? Of course not. But even while we were still sinners, God sent his son Jesus to die for us.

God didn’t wait until we were holy before he extended love, grace, and acceptance to us. He didn’t wait until we had reached some level of perfection. He didn’t even wait until we had stopped doing certain things, or started doing others.

Instead, He loved us from the beginning.

Yes, part of his love means that he disciplines us, just as part of your love for your children means that you will discipline them and try to turn them from ways they shouldn’t go.

But make sure your children know deep in their souls that no matter what they do or fail to do, you love them, and God loves them. Not in the future, but right now.

And not just a little, but with all your might.

After all, God has done the same for you.

Romans 5:8—But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.